Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

BMW Power · **Jeremy Clarkson Quotes -** 01-21-2008, 05:25 PM

Thought you lot would appreciate this

Quote:

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean."

..."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for w****r"

On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

Clarkson on the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond: "So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that Jade Goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"

"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler"

(Fed up during the caravanning trip): "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

(Mercedes CLs55): "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'

"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i."

"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French Air Force crashing into a firework factory."

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer."

"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"you can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I wont go to stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis

coolraoul · **Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes -** 01-21-2008, 06:01 PM

Priceless...
Top Gear is just a fabulous piece of fun. Clarkson is just unique!
Do you have quotes of Hamster and Captain Slow too?

BMW Power · **Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes -** 01-22-2008, 08:32 AM

[about Ferrari Enzo] I rang up Jay Kay, who's got one, and said, "You know, can we borrow yours?" and he said, "Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

[about Ford GT40] Was this the greatest hypercar of them all ? Well, that's a question I've never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.

[about TVR Tuscan 2] You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon's backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says its too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone's tried to mend their own shoes.

[When driving the McLaren Mercedes SLR through a tunnel] When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said "Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!" They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.

[while playing the video game Gran Turismo] Aston Martin DB9, that's not a racecar, that's pornography.

[on the Corvette Z06] ... as something to live with every day, I'd rather have bird flu.

MORE to come!

DeDe · **Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes -** 01-22-2008, 09:48 AM

"Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss." LOOOOL

Kowalski · **Re: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes -** 02-02-2008, 10:06 AM

Good thread this one.

Here it is more evidence of Jeremy Clarkson's sheer talent:

Quote:

[About the Toyota Prius]

Describing how quiet the Prius is:

"I am driving along now slowly in a village. And that means I am running greenly and silently on the electric motor only. See the trees smile at me as I waft by and watch the children run into the road because they havent heard me coming."

Then he comments on the screen panel...

"This I think is a particularly good way of distracting you from the child who has run into the road having not heard you."

Commenting on the Prius leisurely performance:

"Actually I'm being unfair. The Prius is so slow the child could run into the road, retrieve his ball and grow to puberty before you ever actually hit him".

Clarkson mentions the only "positive" (not exactly very good one...) aspect of the Prius:

"I suppose, I would like the idea, of living in a village, where all the cars were this quiet. But then, you would have to learn the green cross code again. Look left, look right, look left, listen, walk, wonder as you go through the windscreen why the hell you never heard it coming!"